CANCER

Yesterday saw me in a lot of pain and lonely.. Not to have anyone by your side in tough times was extremely hard... but that was a choice I made.. if I can't have the rock that I had through the first bout of chemo then I wanted to go it alone this time.. I know I have alot of support and anyone would srop anything to come but it doesn't sit right with me.

8.30am - Bone Marrow was first up yesterday and because I drove in the doctors said I wouldn't be able to drive home because I would be sedated.. I wanted and needed to drive home.. it was my only way. Otherwise they said I could stay the night.. I DON'T THINK SO!! So, I managed to do the Bone Marrow without sedation.. OUCH!!!! Not the best move I have made in life but was worth the drive home.. Lucky I have good pain threshold, unlucky I have tough bones.

10.20am - Surgical Appointment was real quick just got the wound checked out from the biopsy and the lump that is there is just fluid.. so apparently I give 3-4 months and if still worried go back and they can drain it.. we will see.

1.30pm - Echocardiogram, not a hard thing to do.. nap time really for 20 minutes. Check the heart and all seems good.. just makes me wonder what the hell they are going to do to me now.. :os

2.40pm - CAT Scan.. drink this horrible glucose in which they try and disguise it with Lemon or Lime cordial.. doesn't disguise it too much at all. Wait an hour then have a scan for 20 minutes and your on your way.. fingers are fully crossed that this scan brings back no nasties at all!

Today 7.45am - PET Scan.. Sit me in a room for an hour where I can't even scratch my nose.. time for muscles to relax and let the cancer feed on the sugar they just injected in my body so they will show up every little bit of cancer there is that even the eye cannot see.. pretty impressive I know but I bloody hope this scan brings back only good news that the cancer is in one spot only.

So, apart from all this there is other bad news.. the day I got my results back that the cancer has relapsed was also the day my partner of almost 3 years and I decided it is the end of the road for our relationship.. that's what makes this all so much harder for me at the moment. We still are great friends and I couldn't lose that at the mooment. She wants us to go see a counsellor together so there is a lil hope I guess.

Until Thursday that's all the news but on Friday I am having chemo.. just the Mabthera which doesn't really bother me too much..

Ciao

I had the operation to have the lump removed for testing monday 1/02/2010. All went well and they took one whole lump which I was thrilled about.. So now I am just waiting.. I don't have any plans for what if.. I will just deal with it when and if it has returned. Plain and simple.. It doesn't have control.

:o)

Finally had that Dr appt yesterday to determine if I would be having maintenance chemo today. Godd news is that i'm not having it and they are putting it off for now. Instead they are going to do a biopsy and remove the lumps within the next 2 weeks for testing. The potential diagnosis could be that the Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma is returning after just one year or the Follicular Lymphoma as they call it is evolving into another type of cancer within the Lymphoma family. So, thats what im being told.. let's hope not of course.

Either way this goes I pretty sure i'm on top of it and it's not getting me down about having to do it again but more so losing my jobs and being back at the beginning again. But in saying this.. The cancer is just starting again so hopefully it won't be as harsh as it was first time around when my body was riddled with cancer.. fingers and legs are crossed.

So at the moment i'm fine and just waiting for the operation date and then the diagnosis.. again..

That's all for now.. keep smiling :o) cos I am... xxoo

So i have been thinking since these lumps have come back, what is in store for me now.. Only a year after having a harsh chemo treatment and still on maintenance for another year, doesn't give me much hope for the long life I wish to live.. So, what does this all mean.. well, I don't even know, but things have been swirling around in my head for a few weeks and have kept my thoughts locked inside. Why, because it's hard to think about in my head let alone voicing it to family and friends.

So, these thoughts I have been having... Firstly, I am not writing myself off, as I keep telling myself. I believe i'm just listenening to my body and all thats happened and hasn't happened with the chemo has gotten me to be thinking this way and really... who wouldn't??

As it is I feel that the chemo they are giving me is harsh but not enough to keep the cancer at bay.. it's only been 10 months since starting maintenance and already the lumps are coming along just nicely.. so I ask myself.. am i willing to have a harsh chemo every year if this is the rate it's going to play at?.. I did say I would never have it again, then I said I would if the cancer was to return a year or 3 down the track.. but gosh I wasn't ready now.. If it was 10 or 15 yrs then I probably wouldn't. But, now for my family, my nieces and nephew's and friends it is within me to do this again if it leads to it and if it is offered. So YES... I will have chemo again.

In saying that, something inside me keeps making me think I won't be around to see my 30th birthday which is Nov next yr, as much as I want to be here for that and for the next 50 yrs, I'm not ready to go anywhere, I just wish this feeling would disappear.

Now that I'm thinking too much I have also decided to start paying off my own funeral and organise my will (just in case) as I don't want to be leaving anyone with that to worry about as well as mouring.. So the shopping around begins...

I know that when I do go (up or down there.. lol) I am not scared at all, I will just miss my family so deeply and hope that they make the most of thier lives and live a fulfilled one. I will see them again I know it.

So that's where i'm at for now.. and I want to make it clear I haven't given up, been defeated by it, or writing myself off.. I'm just clearing my head and believe i'm having a bad few weeks but also want to have things sorted for when it's "time". I'm fighting this cancer, believe me... I still have years of living and loving my nieces and nephews and family and friends.. IT AINT OVER YET, TIL I SAY SO.....

xx

Well I had the appointment today to get those lumps assessed..

Firstly, I had a shit of a day. Morning started out very tense and nervous, needing to know whats going on with my body and what it means I will need to endure. 2 exams.. I wasn't sure I had the knowledge for but ended up acing them so that was a bonus. Then when leaving work I had realized I left the scans at home I needed for the appointment, a 1 hour round trip.. not going to happen if I want to make it on time and needed a blood test I had forgotten to have the day before. The last week has been a total right off, no forward thinking at all on my part.

I broke down once the pathologist screwed me over, I rang Peta to help me out, she went back to Ipswich and got the scans and delivered them to me and I eventually got the blood test done and waited 2 and a half hours for the doctor to call us in.

So it was time to find out what my life will endure now. Well, once everything was explained to him his response was to just watch the lumps until January when my next maintenance chemo is. I'm not sure to be relieved or still anxious. But the doctor left me with this.. Just put it in the back of your mind and have a merry xmas and we will examine them again in January but if any other lumps arise come straight in...

So that's where I am! Still lost...

24th November 2009, my birthday...

Since being diagnosed I have received the full on chemo and have now been on maintenance since January 2009. So, I receive part of the chemo cocktail to stall the cancer at the stage it's at as the cancer is not curable. That's all well and good as the chemo now is not as harsh as CHOP-R. My next 3 monthly maintenance was due on January 14.

One week ago it was my birthday and a year and 2 months since my diagnosis. I had an average day as I had to work but it was ok. No celebrations, just some gifts and a cake that's enough for me. Dad called me just after dinner to give the happy birthday phone call (thanks to my sis for reminding him.. hehe) It was a great call and always is when dad calls as he is funny and has got stories to tell.

I went for a shower when I hung up the phone. I was washing my body and found a slight lump in my groin, I kept running my hand over it to make sure what I was feeling was the same lumps I felt a year and 2 months ago. I called Peta in, my heart pounding, we both just stared at each other in shock, just silence. I finished in the shower and sat on the couch, told Peta I would skip work the next day and go straight to the doctor to get sorted and tested again. We began to watch telly to forget about it, but i couldn't. I looked at Peta and just cried telling her I was freaking out. I don't want to do this again, what does this mean.

So now, I have been for tests and it has confirmed the cancer is back. Not as bad as previous but it is coming. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my oncologist to determine what happens from here. I'm scared, but prepared. All I know is that whatever they throw at me tomorrow I am taking on with a big heart and positive thoughts. That's what got me through last time and I'm sure it will again. Living for myself and for my family. My gorgeous nieces and nephews are my world and are what's keeping me pushing through, and my wonderful supportive families. Life can't get tougher for me.. this is it.. try as the old guy might up there, but sorry DUDE.. I'M JUST NOT READY! :o)