CANCER

So i have been thinking since these lumps have come back, what is in store for me now.. Only a year after having a harsh chemo treatment and still on maintenance for another year, doesn't give me much hope for the long life I wish to live.. So, what does this all mean.. well, I don't even know, but things have been swirling around in my head for a few weeks and have kept my thoughts locked inside. Why, because it's hard to think about in my head let alone voicing it to family and friends.

So, these thoughts I have been having... Firstly, I am not writing myself off, as I keep telling myself. I believe i'm just listenening to my body and all thats happened and hasn't happened with the chemo has gotten me to be thinking this way and really... who wouldn't??

As it is I feel that the chemo they are giving me is harsh but not enough to keep the cancer at bay.. it's only been 10 months since starting maintenance and already the lumps are coming along just nicely.. so I ask myself.. am i willing to have a harsh chemo every year if this is the rate it's going to play at?.. I did say I would never have it again, then I said I would if the cancer was to return a year or 3 down the track.. but gosh I wasn't ready now.. If it was 10 or 15 yrs then I probably wouldn't. But, now for my family, my nieces and nephew's and friends it is within me to do this again if it leads to it and if it is offered. So YES... I will have chemo again.

In saying that, something inside me keeps making me think I won't be around to see my 30th birthday which is Nov next yr, as much as I want to be here for that and for the next 50 yrs, I'm not ready to go anywhere, I just wish this feeling would disappear.

Now that I'm thinking too much I have also decided to start paying off my own funeral and organise my will (just in case) as I don't want to be leaving anyone with that to worry about as well as mouring.. So the shopping around begins...

I know that when I do go (up or down there.. lol) I am not scared at all, I will just miss my family so deeply and hope that they make the most of thier lives and live a fulfilled one. I will see them again I know it.

So that's where i'm at for now.. and I want to make it clear I haven't given up, been defeated by it, or writing myself off.. I'm just clearing my head and believe i'm having a bad few weeks but also want to have things sorted for when it's "time". I'm fighting this cancer, believe me... I still have years of living and loving my nieces and nephews and family and friends.. IT AINT OVER YET, TIL I SAY SO.....

xx

Well I had the appointment today to get those lumps assessed..

Firstly, I had a shit of a day. Morning started out very tense and nervous, needing to know whats going on with my body and what it means I will need to endure. 2 exams.. I wasn't sure I had the knowledge for but ended up acing them so that was a bonus. Then when leaving work I had realized I left the scans at home I needed for the appointment, a 1 hour round trip.. not going to happen if I want to make it on time and needed a blood test I had forgotten to have the day before. The last week has been a total right off, no forward thinking at all on my part.

I broke down once the pathologist screwed me over, I rang Peta to help me out, she went back to Ipswich and got the scans and delivered them to me and I eventually got the blood test done and waited 2 and a half hours for the doctor to call us in.

So it was time to find out what my life will endure now. Well, once everything was explained to him his response was to just watch the lumps until January when my next maintenance chemo is. I'm not sure to be relieved or still anxious. But the doctor left me with this.. Just put it in the back of your mind and have a merry xmas and we will examine them again in January but if any other lumps arise come straight in...

So that's where I am! Still lost...

24th November 2009, my birthday...

Since being diagnosed I have received the full on chemo and have now been on maintenance since January 2009. So, I receive part of the chemo cocktail to stall the cancer at the stage it's at as the cancer is not curable. That's all well and good as the chemo now is not as harsh as CHOP-R. My next 3 monthly maintenance was due on January 14.

One week ago it was my birthday and a year and 2 months since my diagnosis. I had an average day as I had to work but it was ok. No celebrations, just some gifts and a cake that's enough for me. Dad called me just after dinner to give the happy birthday phone call (thanks to my sis for reminding him.. hehe) It was a great call and always is when dad calls as he is funny and has got stories to tell.

I went for a shower when I hung up the phone. I was washing my body and found a slight lump in my groin, I kept running my hand over it to make sure what I was feeling was the same lumps I felt a year and 2 months ago. I called Peta in, my heart pounding, we both just stared at each other in shock, just silence. I finished in the shower and sat on the couch, told Peta I would skip work the next day and go straight to the doctor to get sorted and tested again. We began to watch telly to forget about it, but i couldn't. I looked at Peta and just cried telling her I was freaking out. I don't want to do this again, what does this mean.

So now, I have been for tests and it has confirmed the cancer is back. Not as bad as previous but it is coming. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my oncologist to determine what happens from here. I'm scared, but prepared. All I know is that whatever they throw at me tomorrow I am taking on with a big heart and positive thoughts. That's what got me through last time and I'm sure it will again. Living for myself and for my family. My gorgeous nieces and nephews are my world and are what's keeping me pushing through, and my wonderful supportive families. Life can't get tougher for me.. this is it.. try as the old guy might up there, but sorry DUDE.. I'M JUST NOT READY! :o)

October 2008, my first chemotherapy treatment, excited??... most certainly NOT!

6 cycles of CHOP-R, one every 2 weeks, the next few months were planned with dates and appointments set. Not much I can really type about the chemotherapy and the way in which it makes one so ill they would rather put themselves to sleep. Not something I would wish on my worst enemy to endure. Not something I thought I would ever do again. October, November, December and January were the most insanely disgusting, painful, sleepless, torturous months of my life. Toxic fluids pumped into a room full of bodies to make us all "better"... yeh, righto!

A wish to be normal again, eat and drink again & just live again. Every time I was receiving treatment I was rude to the doctor/nurse's. I turned into someone I have never known in my life. A rude arrogant woman that hated the world and what it was doing to me, but luckily enough it would only last a week out of every two. The chemo allowed me to have one good week and one ok week, then back to the drawing board for another drilling.

Oh thank god that's all over now!

September 2008, one week until our trip to New Zealand. Christchurch, Mt Hutt, Hanmer Springs here we come. Finally a trip overseas that was not a soccer tournament. Relaxation, fun, laughter and piece of mind. Two days before take off I went to my GP to have some lumps looked at in my neck, groin, and arm pits. I stepped into my GP's room and she asked how I was.. I showed her my lumps and the look on her face was not one I'd hoped for. Before long she handed to me referrals for an Ultrasound, CT Scan, Biopsy, PET Scan and Blood Test. She said get these done ASAP! Well that was not to happen, I managed to get one or two done before we flew out on our holiday.. the rest can wait til i get back.. I've had the lumps for 2 years and the 2 doctors before this one couldn't find anything so whats the rush really I thought. The first doctor just shrugged his shoulders after sending me for a biopsy and the results coming back with unknown. The second doctor 2 weeks prior to seeing the one who diagnosed me didn't even think about sending me for any tests and just said my glands were swollen all over my body for an unknown reason but hey, take these anti-inflammatory tablets until they are finished and we will see how you are then. I couldn't believe what I was hearing from this so called medical practitioner. Did he think I was a fuck head?! I didn't get the prescription he gave me, it was just a waste of time and money. That's when I went out to see the GP I can rely on, Dr Stephanie Sia.

So, on my return from NZ I had the rest of my scans done. I made an appointment to see my GP and was in to see her quicker than I had expected. Stephanie called me in, and before too long we were talking big words.. Stephanie gave me my diagnosis, Non-Hodgkin Lymphoma. It meant nothing to me so I asked her to shorten the term. That's when my world came crashing down around me. As you can imagine, uncontrollable crying, blank thoughts, numb. I was at the appointment on my own and thinking the worst didn't even cross my mind. I left the appointment for the drive home (45 mins) in peak hour traffic, first call - my partner, Peta. She answered the phone and nothing came out of my mouth, just the sound of a 27yr old crying. I didn't have to say anything for Peta to know it was something very bad so we just cried together on the phone until I settled enough to continue driving. I just wanted to get home but at the same time I wanted to be alone, but with family as well. I didn't know what I wanted but I know my world had just changed. I then called my sister Amanda and informed her who surprisingly was very together than I thought she would have been and asked her to call mum as it hurt to much to keep telling everyone.

So, the family was informed, devasted, lost as was I.