CANCER

So i have been thinking since these lumps have come back, what is in store for me now.. Only a year after having a harsh chemo treatment and still on maintenance for another year, doesn't give me much hope for the long life I wish to live.. So, what does this all mean.. well, I don't even know, but things have been swirling around in my head for a few weeks and have kept my thoughts locked inside. Why, because it's hard to think about in my head let alone voicing it to family and friends.

So, these thoughts I have been having... Firstly, I am not writing myself off, as I keep telling myself. I believe i'm just listenening to my body and all thats happened and hasn't happened with the chemo has gotten me to be thinking this way and really... who wouldn't??

As it is I feel that the chemo they are giving me is harsh but not enough to keep the cancer at bay.. it's only been 10 months since starting maintenance and already the lumps are coming along just nicely.. so I ask myself.. am i willing to have a harsh chemo every year if this is the rate it's going to play at?.. I did say I would never have it again, then I said I would if the cancer was to return a year or 3 down the track.. but gosh I wasn't ready now.. If it was 10 or 15 yrs then I probably wouldn't. But, now for my family, my nieces and nephew's and friends it is within me to do this again if it leads to it and if it is offered. So YES... I will have chemo again.

In saying that, something inside me keeps making me think I won't be around to see my 30th birthday which is Nov next yr, as much as I want to be here for that and for the next 50 yrs, I'm not ready to go anywhere, I just wish this feeling would disappear.

Now that I'm thinking too much I have also decided to start paying off my own funeral and organise my will (just in case) as I don't want to be leaving anyone with that to worry about as well as mouring.. So the shopping around begins...

I know that when I do go (up or down there.. lol) I am not scared at all, I will just miss my family so deeply and hope that they make the most of thier lives and live a fulfilled one. I will see them again I know it.

So that's where i'm at for now.. and I want to make it clear I haven't given up, been defeated by it, or writing myself off.. I'm just clearing my head and believe i'm having a bad few weeks but also want to have things sorted for when it's "time". I'm fighting this cancer, believe me... I still have years of living and loving my nieces and nephews and family and friends.. IT AINT OVER YET, TIL I SAY SO.....

xx